Thank You!

Yesterday my husband and I drove down to visit my mom.

I would like to take a moment and say thanks. Managing someone with Alzheimer's is a thankless job and I would like to thank the staff at Brookdale-Corsicana for all they do.  I can still see decline in my mother but it seems to have slowed some since she moved there back in Oct.

We took the time to take mom to meet my brother and nephews for lunch and had a very pleasant time.  She always loves seeing them, but forgets within a day or two that she has seen them. It makes it hard on both them and her. I just try and make her feel better by letting her know it has not been as long as she thinks, but even then I have to remind her multiple times a visit. Ordering at a restaurant can be a trigger for her. I realized a few months ago that I needed to narrow her choices for her when we go out to eat. I  have grown accustomed to trying to simplify her choices to make it easier for her. I realized this one day when she had started reading the sides on a menu and decided on corn tortillas for dinner. She did not think she had ever had them and did not realize it was only a side item. Now I ask how hungry she is and then narrow her choices by how much food is on a dish. I ask if she would like chicken or beef, then I narrow it down to two suggestions. Otherwise she is overwhelmed by all the choices. What she wants is still her choice but the process is the same I used with my children before they learned to read.

To give her a bit more time out of Brookdale we ran to Walmart. She never seems to know what she needs but it gives her a chance to stretch her legs and see people she knows. I also take the time to ask probing questions such as do you need new razors?  Do you need deodorant?  We usually come away with fewer than five items. Typically at some point she seems to become irritable and anxious, she does not understand why we are there and I know it's time to leave.  However, when we get back to the car she says it was nice to see a few people.  

I remember when my children were little and we were on an outting, 8:00 p.m. was my limit. I knew that when when that time rolled around they would crash and be miserable and unreasonable that they needed to be home and getting ready for bed. My mother goes through a similar thing called sun downing which begins for her around 4:00 p.m. The way I have learned to cope with it is similar to how I had to deal with my children. Plan ahead, be prepared, avoid triggers. But even then sometimes she digs in and I have to remember I am dealing with a disease.

My most concerning moment yesterday with mom happened in her apartment. She had her back to me and turned around and did not know whom I was. It was breif, only a moment, but a window into our future.  She though it funny and we laughed it off; I mean what else can you do? But inside my heart broke a little. Inside, I knew we won't get to have the outings and the lunches for much longer. So I will appreciate the moments and enjoy them as much as I can.

I am still trying to learn how to manage her personal finances with her wanting to be in charge, but no longer having the skills to follow through. This I feel is our biggest struggle, but I'm working on it. I think there need s to be classes for parents and their children to take before all this needs to be done, and transition classes and even more once controll had been transferred to the adult child.  Classes and guidelines taught that help smooth over the bumps and shorten the learning curve. So far I have not found any.

After we left, we went to have dinner with some of my high school classmates. It was so good to see them. We spoke of old times, current events and our parents. Some were living similar lives with theirs as I am with mine. It was nice to compare notes and know I am not alone.  I expect I will be reaching out to them for shared support.

Anyway, such was my day with mom, overall it was a good day with just a few frustrating moments.

Note to self. I need to send Brookdale-Corsicana some flowers!

Just Checking​ in...

"Hey mom, just called to see how you are enjoying the snow and handling the cold weather."

This is how our phone conversation started today. I called my mom to see how she was handling the cold snap we got yesterday and to talk to her about the snow. She was unaware of the weather change and in disbelief it had snowed.  But she said she was not going anywhere, and it was colder in her room.  I tried to explain again how to raise the temperature but she said it was too hard to figure out.  So I moved on to the next topic I needed to cover.  After we got off the phone I contacted Brookdale and had them check the heater.

I also called to give her, her bank balance for her check book, so that she would have some idea how much money she had in the bank.  It is conversations like these that break my heart the most.

I have vivid memories of my mom when I was a child dropping me off at school, going to work her full time job at the bank, picking me up from school, fixing us dinner, and taking night courses at Navarro college to get her Associates in Science degree.  She studied late at night and made A's in statistics finally graduating with honors. Every job she ever held was either working for a bank or for my father taking care of the bills and doing the taxes.

Today when I called she was struggling with her comprehension. It was hard to get across to her that she needed to write the balance in her checkbook register. She started fumbling through mail and forgot she was looking for her checkbook. After trying to redirect her a number of times I let it go and tried to follow her train of thought about the concerns she had over the mail she had received. This was no easy task because she would pick up and put down the same pieces over and over not realizing we had just discussed them. I shortly realized we would get no where today and told her to write on her calendar that I would be there on Thursday to help her make some phone calls. This led to her being worried and concerned about me driving down on the highway.  Which again I had to redirect her to another topic that would be less frustrating for her.

Alzheimer's is an endless cycle and a vicious beast that devours some of the best parts of people and leaves them feeling feeble and afraid. I hate this disease!

I miss the good ol' days when we would talk on the phone for hours about nothing important. We just enjoyed talking. Now, there is always a problem to be solved or feelings that are hurt. Not that I mind helping, I don't; but I would enjoy it more if it was not for how suspicious of everything she has become. To keep the conversation flowing, I always try to be prepared and share new information I have learned. Most days I get to share very little.

I get asked often if I think she is getting better.  That's such an odd question to me. There is no getting better; this is Alzheimer's.  I saw her brain scans. There is significant damage in her brain, and again this is Alzheimer's. It follows a very specific path. I pray one day this disease will be eradicated, but I am sorry to admit it won't happen soon enough for my mom.

I just wish she did not suffer so much from the disease.

What's a Daughter to do?

I have not posted in a while, but feel the past two weeks weighing heavily.  I am not sure what I was thinking would happen once my mother moved to assisted living, but I was hopeful there would be improvement.  I am thankful she is in a safe place and being looked after; Brookdale-Corsicana has turned out to be wonderful choice for my mother.  But I still ride a wave of emotion from calm that she is protected to guilt that I can not be there for her as much as I would like.

I think the hardest thing for me is thinking we had gotten to a comfortable place. She was letting me do for her and assist in taking care of some financial things, but now she seems to be crawdadding. 

Last week on mom's birthday my husband and I took her to get her hair done at her favorite hairdressers Wanza's. She was able to get her hair done and it looked beautiful; she set an apt. for the next week to get her hair permed and we enjoyed the day hanging out and just being together. We had lunch at Collins Street Bakery and picked up cake and cookies, we did some shopping and picked up a few things she needed. Overall, a very successful day.

Fast forward just to just four days later. I called to remind mom I would be there on Wednesday to take her for her perm. She was confused that she was getting another hair cut and did not want one, she did not want me driving down to take her to her appointment. She called every day to tell me not to come and we repeated the same conversation, she thought I set the appointment, she thought I was not letting her have her way, she thought I was pushing her around. I tried to redirect her that I was bringing her a special gift and that helped to get her to calm down and the next day she called three times and we repeated the same  conversation.

I had been working for days on a special gift for my mother. A digital cloud wifi picture frame. I had been scanning in her memories for many many hours a day and I wanted her to have it. It's actually a very remarkable frame from Nixplay. You can find these at Nixplay. I was so very proud of this special gift and thought I would set it up for her while she was getting her hair done.  So this negative attitude towards me about me coming to see her was unsettling because I was trying to do something nice.

Well I convinced her to go to her appointment and just talk to Wanza's about if she really needed the appointment or not. There was a bit of a public argument and an  uncomfortable situation but she reluctantly decided to stay and I went back to her apartment to set up her gift. While there, I ran into one of the directors of the facility and she mentioned an issue with mom's newspaper account, and I told her I would take mom by the paper to sort it out.

Mom came out to the car and did not let me go in to talk to Wanza's about her next appointment. She did not like being asked if we owed Wanza any money, or if she set up another appointment, she scolded me saying she could set up her own appointments and Robbie could take her, that she did not need me.  Personally, my cousin helps more than she should have to and I feel it is my responsibility; but I decided to table the conversation and call Wanza later.

We had a nice lunch at Cotton Patch but she got confused easily while trying to order and told me to order her what ever I was getting. I need to remember she does not do well with spicy food. I ordered us both Chicken Tortilla soup and we split fried green tomatoes. It was very good, but next time I'll order her Chicken and Dumplings.  I then told her we needed to go by the newspaper to fix her account. She instantly got defensive and suspicious and upset, but we went none-the-less. Of course, she could not explain to the lady at the counter why we were there, so I had to explain. Somehow they had my info for billing, which I never gave them, but one of the staff at Brookdale had, so this upset mom. So they changed it back to mom's and we paid the subscription, which is all we were there to do. Honestly though, I do need to be the one billed, so now I need to call them back.

We ran a few more errands that went a little better and then went back to her apartment to see her gift, which she loved until she realized I was leaving it there. When I started to leave she said she did not know what to do with it, I said just enjoy it. Then she said she did not know how to make it work, I tried to express that it just works, she does not need to do anything. She wanted to know what to do if it stormed, I said just leave it alone and plugged in.  I gave her hugs and left to go home.

30 minutes later she unplugged the picture frame. I called as soon as I got home and questioned if she had unplugged it. She said yes, she did not want to waste electric. I told her to plug it back in and then leave it alone, that it was meant to stay plugged in. I had plugged it in behind a heavy couch so she would not be tempted, but that was fruitless thinking.  She did get it plugged back in and I could see it come online. I am hoping she will get comfortable having it there. My plan is to add captions of people's names so she can remember who people are.

Well, I am emotionally drained by my mother again not trusting me to help her.  Alzheimer's is a theif that eats away the best parts of people and leaves turmoil in its wake. I love doing for her and helping her, that's what she does not understand, it brings me joy when I can help. But then I constantly question that if my helping her is upsetting her, am I doing the right thing? I think I am, I legally am required to, but I would help anyway if she let me. But she constantly reminds me, she does not want me to.

So what's a daughter to do?