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On this day, 40 years ago...

On this day, 40 years ago my life changed in a permanent way. I changed my formal name from Gammage to French.

I have vague memories of the events of that day, like little clips of film left on a film cutters floor, not quite cohesive in nature and only making sense to me.  I remember getting up that morning and my mom fixing my hair. I can remember putting on a white dress and my white shoes. I remember walking with my mother, father, and sister up the county courthouse stairs.

They were large, wide granite steps, kind of pink, bumpy and not smooth. I remember thinking it would hurt should I fall in them. We entered the courthouse through huge heavy doors and it smelled like a library, sort of like old musty paper. There were stairs on either side of the foyer with thick brass handrails that led to the second floor. We took the stairs to the right to the courtroom located in the middle on the second floor.

The courtroom was dark, with dark wood, green carpet, dark wood benches. We walked past them and through a short swing door to an area where there were large tables in front of a judges bench. Shortly after we arrived a few other people entered the room and spoke to my parents. Then a man started talking about why we were there. I tried to listen but my mind began to wonder to a conversation I had a few years earlier.

It was another special day; one I looked forward to because I would get to spend time with my sisters and my biological mother. I did not get to see them often, so these days I tried to keep in my memory very clear. My case worker picked me up from my foster home and then we went to pick up my sisters, after which we met our mother at a church.  I remember chasing my sisters while my mother and the case worker talked. I remember my mother giving us money for the vending machine. I always thought my mother's was beautiful. She had long straight black hair, and was wearing a mini dress with knee go go boots. An hour was never enough time with her. On this particular day I asked my mother my name. You see, when you would live with a foster family, you would take the name of that family so you would be more difficult to locate. "Alice Elaine Gammage" she said; "and don't you ever forget it". I told her that at school they I told me that's not my name anymore. I asked that she write it down for me. I returned home that day with a piece of paper with my name written on it. This was the day my mother signed her rights away as our mother.

Now at 6 years old a man I had never met before, a judge was asking me if I would like to change my name from Gammage to French. Seriously, how was a 6 year old suppose to know how to answer that question? All I could think was my mother would not like it. But I had not seen her or my sisters in a long time. It was time to take care of myself. So, I answered yes. Then it as done. It was that simple. I was no longer a Gammage.

This is not true of course. That was my understanding through the eyes of a 6 year old. The understanding of a 46 year old is I now have a very large family. I have biological and adopted and marital family. I am Gammage by birth, French by adoption and Jones by choice. I love genealogy and I have learned much about all my family. I have reconnected with my biological family, and love them dearly. I am close the my adopted family and love them dearly. And I am thankful for the acceptance of my marital family and yes, I love them dearly.

I can not say my life has ever been easy, in fact most of it has been hard. But I am whom I am because of these people in my life. I have a book from my childhood that has my whole name in it. Alice Elaine Gammage, _________, Stamps, Cates, French. The blank for the name I had in group home, that I can't remember, I was age 3. I guess maybe I should add my married name to that book.

I look back at my life and most if it I review fondly, of course, no life is perfect. I feel like I should be bringing this writing to some grand epiphany; I am not sure I have lived long enough yet to share some great profound truth I have learned. Except perhaps, the person we become is honed by pieces we absorb from those whom have touched our lives.  Some of those people are there by our choice. The more we are exposed to them, the more influence they have over whom we become.  Choose well whom is worth your time.

So 40 years ago today I chose to change my name from Gammage to French, and after looking back on my life, although it was not perfect, I am most likely better for it.

Happy Birthday Dedah

Today would have been my father's 78 th birthday. I marked it on my calendar and receive a reminder every year. It's not that a need a reminder to remember his birthday; I set it to remind me to call my mother on this special day.

My mother is a very sentimental woman; and being such, it hurts her feelings if no one mentions our father on his birthday. Every February 3rd since 1991 I have called my mother.

Over the past couple of years I noticed a change in our conversations on this day. Prior to two years ago I did not have to mention why I made the call. Then, two years ago when I had to remind my mother that it was my father's birthday I began to worry. I did not worry about her memory, I already knew about her condition. I began to become concerned if I should continue to make the calls and remind her of what she had forgotten.

It was always a difficult phone call for me to make. Something I do not enjoy; but I never did it for me, only for her. Now days my mother has difficulty keeping up with not only the day of the year but the season of the year. So I am certain, yet again, she will have forgotten today's special meaning. Additionally, I am certain that if I tell her it's my father's birthday, she will forget again before the day is done. Is it worth it? I honestly don't know.

So do I call and bring up my father? I guess I will cross that bridge here shortly. I will call no matter what of course. I am just not sure if bringing up my father these days is more hurtful or soothing.

Alzheimer's is such a tricky disease to navigate. I feel constantly on edge, affraid of saying or doing the wrong thing. Currently I feel like I only get it right about 60% of the time.

Anyway, I am watching the clock and waiting for her to finish her lunch so I can call and check in on her.

I will recieve another reminder on the 12th, the day my father passed away. I am quite certain I will have this same queasiness in the pit of my stomach again...

Thank You!

Yesterday my husband and I drove down to visit my mom.

I would like to take a moment and say thanks. Managing someone with Alzheimer's is a thankless job and I would like to thank the staff at Brookdale-Corsicana for all they do.  I can still see decline in my mother but it seems to have slowed some since she moved there back in Oct.

We took the time to take mom to meet my brother and nephews for lunch and had a very pleasant time.  She always loves seeing them, but forgets within a day or two that she has seen them. It makes it hard on both them and her. I just try and make her feel better by letting her know it has not been as long as she thinks, but even then I have to remind her multiple times a visit. Ordering at a restaurant can be a trigger for her. I realized a few months ago that I needed to narrow her choices for her when we go out to eat. I  have grown accustomed to trying to simplify her choices to make it easier for her. I realized this one day when she had started reading the sides on a menu and decided on corn tortillas for dinner. She did not think she had ever had them and did not realize it was only a side item. Now I ask how hungry she is and then narrow her choices by how much food is on a dish. I ask if she would like chicken or beef, then I narrow it down to two suggestions. Otherwise she is overwhelmed by all the choices. What she wants is still her choice but the process is the same I used with my children before they learned to read.

To give her a bit more time out of Brookdale we ran to Walmart. She never seems to know what she needs but it gives her a chance to stretch her legs and see people she knows. I also take the time to ask probing questions such as do you need new razors?  Do you need deodorant?  We usually come away with fewer than five items. Typically at some point she seems to become irritable and anxious, she does not understand why we are there and I know it's time to leave.  However, when we get back to the car she says it was nice to see a few people.  

I remember when my children were little and we were on an outting, 8:00 p.m. was my limit. I knew that when when that time rolled around they would crash and be miserable and unreasonable that they needed to be home and getting ready for bed. My mother goes through a similar thing called sun downing which begins for her around 4:00 p.m. The way I have learned to cope with it is similar to how I had to deal with my children. Plan ahead, be prepared, avoid triggers. But even then sometimes she digs in and I have to remember I am dealing with a disease.

My most concerning moment yesterday with mom happened in her apartment. She had her back to me and turned around and did not know whom I was. It was breif, only a moment, but a window into our future.  She though it funny and we laughed it off; I mean what else can you do? But inside my heart broke a little. Inside, I knew we won't get to have the outings and the lunches for much longer. So I will appreciate the moments and enjoy them as much as I can.

I am still trying to learn how to manage her personal finances with her wanting to be in charge, but no longer having the skills to follow through. This I feel is our biggest struggle, but I'm working on it. I think there need s to be classes for parents and their children to take before all this needs to be done, and transition classes and even more once controll had been transferred to the adult child.  Classes and guidelines taught that help smooth over the bumps and shorten the learning curve. So far I have not found any.

After we left, we went to have dinner with some of my high school classmates. It was so good to see them. We spoke of old times, current events and our parents. Some were living similar lives with theirs as I am with mine. It was nice to compare notes and know I am not alone.  I expect I will be reaching out to them for shared support.

Anyway, such was my day with mom, overall it was a good day with just a few frustrating moments.

Note to self. I need to send Brookdale-Corsicana some flowers!

Just Checking​ in...

"Hey mom, just called to see how you are enjoying the snow and handling the cold weather."

This is how our phone conversation started today. I called my mom to see how she was handling the cold snap we got yesterday and to talk to her about the snow. She was unaware of the weather change and in disbelief it had snowed.  But she said she was not going anywhere, and it was colder in her room.  I tried to explain again how to raise the temperature but she said it was too hard to figure out.  So I moved on to the next topic I needed to cover.  After we got off the phone I contacted Brookdale and had them check the heater.

I also called to give her, her bank balance for her check book, so that she would have some idea how much money she had in the bank.  It is conversations like these that break my heart the most.

I have vivid memories of my mom when I was a child dropping me off at school, going to work her full time job at the bank, picking me up from school, fixing us dinner, and taking night courses at Navarro college to get her Associates in Science degree.  She studied late at night and made A's in statistics finally graduating with honors. Every job she ever held was either working for a bank or for my father taking care of the bills and doing the taxes.

Today when I called she was struggling with her comprehension. It was hard to get across to her that she needed to write the balance in her checkbook register. She started fumbling through mail and forgot she was looking for her checkbook. After trying to redirect her a number of times I let it go and tried to follow her train of thought about the concerns she had over the mail she had received. This was no easy task because she would pick up and put down the same pieces over and over not realizing we had just discussed them. I shortly realized we would get no where today and told her to write on her calendar that I would be there on Thursday to help her make some phone calls. This led to her being worried and concerned about me driving down on the highway.  Which again I had to redirect her to another topic that would be less frustrating for her.

Alzheimer's is an endless cycle and a vicious beast that devours some of the best parts of people and leaves them feeling feeble and afraid. I hate this disease!

I miss the good ol' days when we would talk on the phone for hours about nothing important. We just enjoyed talking. Now, there is always a problem to be solved or feelings that are hurt. Not that I mind helping, I don't; but I would enjoy it more if it was not for how suspicious of everything she has become. To keep the conversation flowing, I always try to be prepared and share new information I have learned. Most days I get to share very little.

I get asked often if I think she is getting better.  That's such an odd question to me. There is no getting better; this is Alzheimer's.  I saw her brain scans. There is significant damage in her brain, and again this is Alzheimer's. It follows a very specific path. I pray one day this disease will be eradicated, but I am sorry to admit it won't happen soon enough for my mom.

I just wish she did not suffer so much from the disease.

What's a Daughter to do?

I have not posted in a while, but feel the past two weeks weighing heavily.  I am not sure what I was thinking would happen once my mother moved to assisted living, but I was hopeful there would be improvement.  I am thankful she is in a safe place and being looked after; Brookdale-Corsicana has turned out to be wonderful choice for my mother.  But I still ride a wave of emotion from calm that she is protected to guilt that I can not be there for her as much as I would like.

I think the hardest thing for me is thinking we had gotten to a comfortable place. She was letting me do for her and assist in taking care of some financial things, but now she seems to be crawdadding. 

Last week on mom's birthday my husband and I took her to get her hair done at her favorite hairdressers Wanza's. She was able to get her hair done and it looked beautiful; she set an apt. for the next week to get her hair permed and we enjoyed the day hanging out and just being together. We had lunch at Collins Street Bakery and picked up cake and cookies, we did some shopping and picked up a few things she needed. Overall, a very successful day.

Fast forward just to just four days later. I called to remind mom I would be there on Wednesday to take her for her perm. She was confused that she was getting another hair cut and did not want one, she did not want me driving down to take her to her appointment. She called every day to tell me not to come and we repeated the same conversation, she thought I set the appointment, she thought I was not letting her have her way, she thought I was pushing her around. I tried to redirect her that I was bringing her a special gift and that helped to get her to calm down and the next day she called three times and we repeated the same  conversation.

I had been working for days on a special gift for my mother. A digital cloud wifi picture frame. I had been scanning in her memories for many many hours a day and I wanted her to have it. It's actually a very remarkable frame from Nixplay. You can find these at Nixplay. I was so very proud of this special gift and thought I would set it up for her while she was getting her hair done.  So this negative attitude towards me about me coming to see her was unsettling because I was trying to do something nice.

Well I convinced her to go to her appointment and just talk to Wanza's about if she really needed the appointment or not. There was a bit of a public argument and an  uncomfortable situation but she reluctantly decided to stay and I went back to her apartment to set up her gift. While there, I ran into one of the directors of the facility and she mentioned an issue with mom's newspaper account, and I told her I would take mom by the paper to sort it out.

Mom came out to the car and did not let me go in to talk to Wanza's about her next appointment. She did not like being asked if we owed Wanza any money, or if she set up another appointment, she scolded me saying she could set up her own appointments and Robbie could take her, that she did not need me.  Personally, my cousin helps more than she should have to and I feel it is my responsibility; but I decided to table the conversation and call Wanza later.

We had a nice lunch at Cotton Patch but she got confused easily while trying to order and told me to order her what ever I was getting. I need to remember she does not do well with spicy food. I ordered us both Chicken Tortilla soup and we split fried green tomatoes. It was very good, but next time I'll order her Chicken and Dumplings.  I then told her we needed to go by the newspaper to fix her account. She instantly got defensive and suspicious and upset, but we went none-the-less. Of course, she could not explain to the lady at the counter why we were there, so I had to explain. Somehow they had my info for billing, which I never gave them, but one of the staff at Brookdale had, so this upset mom. So they changed it back to mom's and we paid the subscription, which is all we were there to do. Honestly though, I do need to be the one billed, so now I need to call them back.

We ran a few more errands that went a little better and then went back to her apartment to see her gift, which she loved until she realized I was leaving it there. When I started to leave she said she did not know what to do with it, I said just enjoy it. Then she said she did not know how to make it work, I tried to express that it just works, she does not need to do anything. She wanted to know what to do if it stormed, I said just leave it alone and plugged in.  I gave her hugs and left to go home.

30 minutes later she unplugged the picture frame. I called as soon as I got home and questioned if she had unplugged it. She said yes, she did not want to waste electric. I told her to plug it back in and then leave it alone, that it was meant to stay plugged in. I had plugged it in behind a heavy couch so she would not be tempted, but that was fruitless thinking.  She did get it plugged back in and I could see it come online. I am hoping she will get comfortable having it there. My plan is to add captions of people's names so she can remember who people are.

Well, I am emotionally drained by my mother again not trusting me to help her.  Alzheimer's is a theif that eats away the best parts of people and leaves turmoil in its wake. I love doing for her and helping her, that's what she does not understand, it brings me joy when I can help. But then I constantly question that if my helping her is upsetting her, am I doing the right thing? I think I am, I legally am required to, but I would help anyway if she let me. But she constantly reminds me, she does not want me to.

So what's a daughter to do?

Independently Living with Alzheimer's

I want to help my mom live independently as long as possible.  So my sister and I spent part of the day looking for tools to help her to be able to maintain her own independence a bit longer.

When mom and I spoke to her doctor he had a few suggestions on how to help her stay independent a bit longer one item he suggested was a one month pill organizer. His concern as well as mine was her remembering to take it. He suggested one with alarms; and my thought and reaction was that it may be too confusing to use and that she might become frustrated with it.

 However, I did find the Live Fine Automatic Pill Dispenser that I think we are going to give a try. It holds a months worth of medication. Alarms can be set for morning and night medications and there is a key that locks it. That way we can keep track if she is taking her medication and we don't have to worry about anyone taking her medications. Here is a video that shows how the dispenser works; it is a large device, but all she has to do is tip it up to get the pills out and then it resets for the next dose.



Another device my sister and I discussed was a large faced clock and calendar to hang on the wall to help remind her what day it is. One of the things my mother struggles with is loss of time. She is easily confused by a 30 day calendar. For example, if she can't remember yesterday she went to church in the morning; she might think that the current day is Sunday.  She thinks this often and often gets dress for church every morning.

I discovered this 8" Digital Calendar Alarm Day Clock.  The following is the description of the Clock features from it's website.

• BEST CLOCK FOR SENIOR CARE: This High Resolution 8-inch display clearly spells out the full DAY of the WEEK, MONTH and DATE in large, bold letters with no confusing abbreviations. Clock also displays MORNING, AFTERNOON, EVENING, or NIGHT during the following times: 6:00 am - 11:59 am (MORNING), 12:00 pm - 4:59 pm (AFTERNOON), 5:00 pm to 9:59 pm (EVENING), and 10:00 pm to 5:59 am (NIGHT).

• UNIQUE FEATURES: This alarm day clock is one of a kind. It includes an alarm function and 2-color display option (White / Yellow). Users can set up to 3 daily alarms which are very useful for senior people for daily meals or for taking medications.

• AUTO DIMMING OPTION: The display dims every night at 7:00PM (10cd/M2) and brightens up during the day at 7:00 AM (50cd/M2), similar to other branded day clocks in market. BUT our clock gives users the option to turn off the auto dimming function, especially for the people who prefer higher brightness at night.

• ENLARGED A.M/P.M.: This clock has enlarged A.M. /P.M. font and the height is 3/4’’. Those special loved ones will not confuse morning and night anymore.

• IDEAL GIFT: The words Dementia, Alzheimer's and Memory Loss were intentionally excluded from the packaging to alleviate any embarrassment, making it a great gift.

We are considering one of the digital clocks that also shows the weather or temperature so mom can be informed of how to dress for the day; but that may depend on the method for the temperature to be sent to the device.



Another useful device my mom might find useful is a new house phone. I noticed the one she has seems to have a lot of noise on the phone line and is a bit difficult to use. We discovered the Clarity P300 phone that allows you to add family and friends pictures to the buttons so she does not have to remember their numbers.

• Amplifies incoming sounds up to 20dB
• 9 programmable photo memory buttons
• Adjustable incoming volume control
• Bright visual ring indicator
• Large, easy-to-use keypad

Another phone is the Picture Care phone. 

• Pictures can be placed on each button
• Ringer switch with Hi/Lo/Off
• Bright LED lights for incoming calls
• 10 Two-touch or 10 one-touch memory keys
• Red 911 emergency key

The last of the tools we are currently looking in to is something my Mamaw use to have when she was in a nursing home. She had lost her eye sight and wanted to be able to know what time it was.  She use to keep this funny little device on a wrist coil bracelet that allowed her to push a fob and it would tell her the time. My lovely helpful sister searched and found this device today. It is a Talking Keychain Calendar that also gives the time. 

• Less than an inch thick. 
• Can speak the current date. 
• One daily alarm. 
• Spoken instructions guide you through every setting and feature. 
• Ultra-slim, with sleak white finish, and durable metal keychain. 
• Features clear, easy-to-hear male voice. 
• Uses 2 AG13 button cell batteries (included). 

This device can easily be paired with a set of keys and a Wrist Coil Bracelet for easy use and hopefully will help in keeping track of the keys. 

I would love to hear what you have discovered to help those who are working to maintain their independence as much as possible.  I am sure there are other tools out there; I would love to learn more. Fell free to post and make suggestions and comments. I will post later about if these tools are truly helpful.