Just Checking​ in...

"Hey mom, just called to see how you are enjoying the snow and handling the cold weather."

This is how our phone conversation started today. I called my mom to see how she was handling the cold snap we got yesterday and to talk to her about the snow. She was unaware of the weather change and in disbelief it had snowed.  But she said she was not going anywhere, and it was colder in her room.  I tried to explain again how to raise the temperature but she said it was too hard to figure out.  So I moved on to the next topic I needed to cover.  After we got off the phone I contacted Brookdale and had them check the heater.

I also called to give her, her bank balance for her check book, so that she would have some idea how much money she had in the bank.  It is conversations like these that break my heart the most.

I have vivid memories of my mom when I was a child dropping me off at school, going to work her full time job at the bank, picking me up from school, fixing us dinner, and taking night courses at Navarro college to get her Associates in Science degree.  She studied late at night and made A's in statistics finally graduating with honors. Every job she ever held was either working for a bank or for my father taking care of the bills and doing the taxes.

Today when I called she was struggling with her comprehension. It was hard to get across to her that she needed to write the balance in her checkbook register. She started fumbling through mail and forgot she was looking for her checkbook. After trying to redirect her a number of times I let it go and tried to follow her train of thought about the concerns she had over the mail she had received. This was no easy task because she would pick up and put down the same pieces over and over not realizing we had just discussed them. I shortly realized we would get no where today and told her to write on her calendar that I would be there on Thursday to help her make some phone calls. This led to her being worried and concerned about me driving down on the highway.  Which again I had to redirect her to another topic that would be less frustrating for her.

Alzheimer's is an endless cycle and a vicious beast that devours some of the best parts of people and leaves them feeling feeble and afraid. I hate this disease!

I miss the good ol' days when we would talk on the phone for hours about nothing important. We just enjoyed talking. Now, there is always a problem to be solved or feelings that are hurt. Not that I mind helping, I don't; but I would enjoy it more if it was not for how suspicious of everything she has become. To keep the conversation flowing, I always try to be prepared and share new information I have learned. Most days I get to share very little.

I get asked often if I think she is getting better.  That's such an odd question to me. There is no getting better; this is Alzheimer's.  I saw her brain scans. There is significant damage in her brain, and again this is Alzheimer's. It follows a very specific path. I pray one day this disease will be eradicated, but I am sorry to admit it won't happen soon enough for my mom.

I just wish she did not suffer so much from the disease.