On this day, 40 years ago...

On this day, 40 years ago my life changed in a permanent way. I changed my formal name from Gammage to French.

I have vague memories of the events of that day, like little clips of film left on a film cutters floor, not quite cohesive in nature and only making sense to me.  I remember getting up that morning and my mom fixing my hair. I can remember putting on a white dress and my white shoes. I remember walking with my mother, father, and sister up the county courthouse stairs.

They were large, wide granite steps, kind of pink, bumpy and not smooth. I remember thinking it would hurt should I fall in them. We entered the courthouse through huge heavy doors and it smelled like a library, sort of like old musty paper. There were stairs on either side of the foyer with thick brass handrails that led to the second floor. We took the stairs to the right to the courtroom located in the middle on the second floor.

The courtroom was dark, with dark wood, green carpet, dark wood benches. We walked past them and through a short swing door to an area where there were large tables in front of a judges bench. Shortly after we arrived a few other people entered the room and spoke to my parents. Then a man started talking about why we were there. I tried to listen but my mind began to wonder to a conversation I had a few years earlier.

It was another special day; one I looked forward to because I would get to spend time with my sisters and my biological mother. I did not get to see them often, so these days I tried to keep in my memory very clear. My case worker picked me up from my foster home and then we went to pick up my sisters, after which we met our mother at a church.  I remember chasing my sisters while my mother and the case worker talked. I remember my mother giving us money for the vending machine. I always thought my mother's was beautiful. She had long straight black hair, and was wearing a mini dress with knee go go boots. An hour was never enough time with her. On this particular day I asked my mother my name. You see, when you would live with a foster family, you would take the name of that family so you would be more difficult to locate. "Alice Elaine Gammage" she said; "and don't you ever forget it". I told her that at school they I told me that's not my name anymore. I asked that she write it down for me. I returned home that day with a piece of paper with my name written on it. This was the day my mother signed her rights away as our mother.

Now at 6 years old a man I had never met before, a judge was asking me if I would like to change my name from Gammage to French. Seriously, how was a 6 year old suppose to know how to answer that question? All I could think was my mother would not like it. But I had not seen her or my sisters in a long time. It was time to take care of myself. So, I answered yes. Then it as done. It was that simple. I was no longer a Gammage.

This is not true of course. That was my understanding through the eyes of a 6 year old. The understanding of a 46 year old is I now have a very large family. I have biological and adopted and marital family. I am Gammage by birth, French by adoption and Jones by choice. I love genealogy and I have learned much about all my family. I have reconnected with my biological family, and love them dearly. I am close the my adopted family and love them dearly. And I am thankful for the acceptance of my marital family and yes, I love them dearly.

I can not say my life has ever been easy, in fact most of it has been hard. But I am whom I am because of these people in my life. I have a book from my childhood that has my whole name in it. Alice Elaine Gammage, _________, Stamps, Cates, French. The blank for the name I had in group home, that I can't remember, I was age 3. I guess maybe I should add my married name to that book.

I look back at my life and most if it I review fondly, of course, no life is perfect. I feel like I should be bringing this writing to some grand epiphany; I am not sure I have lived long enough yet to share some great profound truth I have learned. Except perhaps, the person we become is honed by pieces we absorb from those whom have touched our lives.  Some of those people are there by our choice. The more we are exposed to them, the more influence they have over whom we become.  Choose well whom is worth your time.

So 40 years ago today I chose to change my name from Gammage to French, and after looking back on my life, although it was not perfect, I am most likely better for it.