One of the things I worry the most about when it comes to my
mother having Alzheimer's is the fact she not only lives alone but is still
driving.
Last week I
received a call from a number I did not recognize so I just let it go to voice
mail. I am fortunate that the person left a message. It went something
like this.
"Hello, my name is
so and so, I am in Hubbard Texas. I am calling about your mother. At least I
hope she is your mother, please give me a call back."
Fear struck me.
Had my mother gotten lost?
Well luckily this ended well and he was
calling me about an account she has with him. But I know several whose
parents left their home and got lost in the woods and died of exposure, or got
in their car and had a wreck.
The next week I got a phone call from my cousin about my mother and the fact she did not have anything in her wallet and was extremely confused.
The same day I ended up speaking with the man that runs the storage facility. My mom thought all her items had been stolen.
Last night my Aunt phoned to let me know that mom really is not doing well that she just does not understand even a simple filing system.
When a parent's memory begins to fail them we hope it is normal. The normal slowing of the brain and its ability to comprehend. When it becomes evident that what is going on is real and is only going to get worse the fear moves from worry about them being alone to worry about how to guide them to safety.
There are many things that can be done. Powers of Atty, Trusts, Wills, but getting a parent that has become paranoid to follow through on these legal documents can be challenging. They become worried they are giving away all power and in a since they are right. But the alternative is leaving themselves vulnerable.
I wish I had an easy answer of how to go about getting this done. I am navigating these tricky waters and I think the journey is different for everyone.
Doctors and Attorneys can help evaluate and determine the mental status of their client but they do this by seeing them on an irregular basis and only a few minutes at a time. Their opinions legally hold a lot of weight. But, you as their loved one have to pool all your information from what you see on a daily basis and determine if it falls in line with that of the attorney and doctors. Unfortunately, it is not always easy to know what to think or who to turn to or whom is right. I wish I could say that what you think matters more than a parent who is losing their reasoning faculties but they don't. They law hinders a loved one from helping their parent; even if a child sees the need to place their parent in a nursing home. Their doctor will not be able to talk with you without your parent agreeing and an attorney can't really legally help them unless they signed directives before they lost the ability to understand them.
So what is a child to do? Where can they seek help? How do they help a parent to understand that it is time to go into a home? How do they help them understand that what they are doing is because they love them?
I don't have real answers to the questions yet. I have spent the day on the phone and while I am more hopeful than I have been in a long time. I know there are many days ahead where feelings are going to be hurt.
But the fear holds us all. Fear kept my mother from preparing for these days. Fear keeps her not trusting those that love her. Fear of hurting her kept me at arm’s length for a long time. But there is no more room for fear, or tears or hurt feelings. Because now I fear for not only her safety but the safety of others. I fear she will be taken advantage of. I fear we waited too late.
Perhaps Frank Herbert had it right when he wrote in 1965; "Fear is the mind-killer. Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration. I will face my fear. I will permit it to pass over me and through me." I admit this quote flows through my mind regularly now days. It gives me strength to do the things I wish were the responsibility of anyone but me.
And I will let that lead into my next post 21 Before Noon.
The next week I got a phone call from my cousin about my mother and the fact she did not have anything in her wallet and was extremely confused.
The same day I ended up speaking with the man that runs the storage facility. My mom thought all her items had been stolen.
Last night my Aunt phoned to let me know that mom really is not doing well that she just does not understand even a simple filing system.
When a parent's memory begins to fail them we hope it is normal. The normal slowing of the brain and its ability to comprehend. When it becomes evident that what is going on is real and is only going to get worse the fear moves from worry about them being alone to worry about how to guide them to safety.
There are many things that can be done. Powers of Atty, Trusts, Wills, but getting a parent that has become paranoid to follow through on these legal documents can be challenging. They become worried they are giving away all power and in a since they are right. But the alternative is leaving themselves vulnerable.
I wish I had an easy answer of how to go about getting this done. I am navigating these tricky waters and I think the journey is different for everyone.
Doctors and Attorneys can help evaluate and determine the mental status of their client but they do this by seeing them on an irregular basis and only a few minutes at a time. Their opinions legally hold a lot of weight. But, you as their loved one have to pool all your information from what you see on a daily basis and determine if it falls in line with that of the attorney and doctors. Unfortunately, it is not always easy to know what to think or who to turn to or whom is right. I wish I could say that what you think matters more than a parent who is losing their reasoning faculties but they don't. They law hinders a loved one from helping their parent; even if a child sees the need to place their parent in a nursing home. Their doctor will not be able to talk with you without your parent agreeing and an attorney can't really legally help them unless they signed directives before they lost the ability to understand them.
So what is a child to do? Where can they seek help? How do they help a parent to understand that it is time to go into a home? How do they help them understand that what they are doing is because they love them?
I don't have real answers to the questions yet. I have spent the day on the phone and while I am more hopeful than I have been in a long time. I know there are many days ahead where feelings are going to be hurt.
But the fear holds us all. Fear kept my mother from preparing for these days. Fear keeps her not trusting those that love her. Fear of hurting her kept me at arm’s length for a long time. But there is no more room for fear, or tears or hurt feelings. Because now I fear for not only her safety but the safety of others. I fear she will be taken advantage of. I fear we waited too late.
Perhaps Frank Herbert had it right when he wrote in 1965; "Fear is the mind-killer. Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration. I will face my fear. I will permit it to pass over me and through me." I admit this quote flows through my mind regularly now days. It gives me strength to do the things I wish were the responsibility of anyone but me.
And I will let that lead into my next post 21 Before Noon.
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